My child has turned me into a Barbie.
And I don't mean the perfect bodied accessory wearin' plastic kind.
Ever hear the proportions of Barbie? Something about how if you blew her up to life size, her proportions are so ridiculously unhuman that she'd look totally weird and not at all like the drooling-Ken-sexscapade she supposedly is?
I don't get it. I didn't gain that much weight (20-ish lbs) and never got that big. I was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight the day after he was born. I've actually struggled to keep weight on and not get yelled at by the midwife because nursing burns so many calories and apparently I can't keep up.
So why doesn't anything fit me? It's not that things are too big, or too small. It's both. Pants that fit me perfect in the waist are too small on my ass and are highwaters. Pants that are long enough and fit my butt are falling down and giving me droopy drawers when I walk. 5's are too small and 7's are too big. wtf?
And don't even get me started on shirts. My boobs ruin it all. Shirts that fit me perfectly otherwise are too Dolly Parton-like on my boobs. If I size up to accomodate Liam's favorite meal knockers then the rest of the shirt looks like a sack and I resemble a bag lady. Some of the t-shirts I've been wearing just fine for years are suddenly so warped because of my boobs that the bottom is pulled upwards and I look like Winnie the Pooh with my stomach showing.
What the hell happened??? I don't LOOK that different. So why can't I fit into any size that currently exists? Every morning I go into my closet and I want to slit the throats of adorable fluffy kittens.
I realize no one really gives a shit or wants to read about my pants not fitting right but I just needed to get that out. Now excuse me while I go dig under the floorboards...I do believe my self esteem is hiding down there somewhere.