Thursday, October 21, 2010

Nom Nom Nom.

I zombie babeh. I eat ur brainz.

Ew. Ate first brainz. Not good.

Momz! You switch my onesie to boobs. No brains.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Barbie, I understand your woes.

My child has turned me into a Barbie.

And I don't mean the perfect bodied accessory wearin' plastic kind.

Ever hear the proportions of Barbie? Something about how if you blew her up to life size, her proportions are so ridiculously unhuman that she'd look totally weird and not at all like the drooling-Ken-sexscapade she supposedly is?

That's me.

I don't get it. I didn't gain that much weight (20-ish lbs) and never got that big. I was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight the day after he was born. I've actually struggled to keep weight on and not get yelled at by the midwife because nursing burns so many calories and apparently I can't keep up.

So why doesn't anything fit me? It's not that things are too big, or too small. It's both. Pants that fit me perfect in the waist are too small on my ass and are highwaters. Pants that are long enough and fit my butt are falling down and giving me droopy drawers when I walk. 5's are too small and 7's are too big. wtf?

And don't even get me started on shirts. My boobs ruin it all. Shirts that fit me perfectly otherwise are too Dolly Parton-like on my boobs. If I size up to accomodate Liam's favorite meal knockers then the rest of the shirt looks like a sack and I resemble a bag lady. Some of the t-shirts I've been wearing just fine for years are suddenly so warped because of my boobs that the bottom is pulled upwards and I look like Winnie the Pooh with my stomach showing.

What the hell happened??? I don't LOOK that different. So why can't I fit into any size that currently exists? Every morning I go into my closet and I want to slit the throats of adorable fluffy kittens.

I realize no one really gives a shit or wants to read about my pants not fitting right but I just needed to get that out. Now excuse me while I go dig under the floorboards...I do believe my self esteem is hiding down there somewhere.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Tick tock tick tock

Is that a clock ticking? Because I think time is moving too fast for the ticking to even happen. I enjoy my kid so much and I get a little depressed when I think about how fast these 11 weeks have flown by. In two months this human came emerging from another human, learned trust, love, how to smile, how to roll over, how to laugh, and that he has two things called hands that sometimes do what he wants them to!

Keep up the good growin' Bubs! But feel free to slow it down a little. ;)

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Not rock bottom but rocky nonetheless

Today....yeah, no words.

Liam had a pediatrician appointment for his 2 month well baby check and I wanted to get his reflux under control. My big boy is 9 weeks old, 12 pounds, and 25 freaking inches long! That's one long baby. Anyway, after sitting through a lecture from a know-it-all CNA chick about how I'm going to hell for not vaccinating my kid and sign here and here and here and we're not responsible when your kid dies from your horrible and irresponsible choices blah blah blah (her face was priceless when she saw I cloth diaper as well...damn hippies!) I talk to the ped and find out Liam's shitty ass insurance won't pay for Prevacid so he is stuck with the generic form of Prilosec. And I have to go to an apothecary to get it compounded to liquid form for him. Nice. He also wanted an ultrasound done of his abdomen to check for any issues causing his reflux. Which means no eating for Liam in case he needs to drink barium. That sucks. They made an appointment for me for an hour later and after battle the insurance company because they STILL haven't changed his name from Baby Boy Sontag to his real name (come to think of it, he doesn't have his social security card either...not that it has anything to do with insurance but I just now thought of it anyway) we headed over there.

It was awful. He screamed and screamed because he was in pain from reflux, barfing, and starving. I was trying to fill out paperwork while he howled and kicked the clipboard out of my hands while puking on me and the floor and trying to eat my boob through my shirt, and the crowded waiting room glared at me. Then the insurance thing popped up again and I had to call them and they couldn't hear me through Liam's screaming. On top of that I had to pee like crazy and was worried I was gonna pee my pants since my bladder is shot to shit. I was very close to tears.

Finally we get called back and we get this crabby old lady who has such a thick Indian accent I can't understand what she is saying. But she kept yelling at Liam for crying and not holding still while she did the ultrasound. He's 9 weeks old! Quit fucking yelling at him!! I finally told her this wasn't going to work and we were leaving. She went and got the doctor instead and he came in, talked to Liam and calmed him down, told me to nurse him and he did the ultrasound while Liam was eating with no problems. Everything is structurally okay, but the sphincter is definitely irritable and immature and he'll just have to be on meds till he outgrows this.

Go home for food and our hallway is flooded and the plumber is on his way. My mom said she'd come over and let him in so I could go to the apothecary. Got on the freeway and proceeded to sit in non-moving traffic for over an hour because of it being completely flooded. Routed off, got the the apothecary (all the way downtown I might add) and was told they don't have the Prilosec at the moment, but the apothecary in north Phoenix does. I drove all that way for nothing. They faxed his prescription over and it won't be ready till tomorrow, so my baby still has no meds. Fuckers. Just his lame-ass nasty tasting joke of a med, otherwise known as Zantac. Mylanta gives him more relief than that.

Anyway, sit in MORE traffic on the way home because people are stupid wastes of space and can't drive when it rains, then get run off the freeway by a semi-truck who decides he wants to switch lanes ZOMG RIGHT NOW RIGHT FREAKING NOW!!!!!! and I had nowhere to go but off into the dirt. We spun, and came to a stop, Liam screaming his head off. We both just sat there and cried for a bit because come on Universe, our day already sucks without reality of sudden death thrown on top of it. Take 10 minutes to merge back onto the stupid freeway and come home to find out our dishwasher is the culprit of the flooding and the plumber we had here previously to fix it actually broke the pipe and caused the flood. Nice.

Shaun gets home right after with a ruined windshield, busted sidemirrors, and dents all over it like a golfball. Hooray for hail.

Tomorrow can only be better right? Damn.