Sunday, August 22, 2010

Would you like tits with that? Adventures in fast food.

A friend of mine was recently asked to leave McDonald's for nursing her kid. That sucks, and was a pretty stupid move on the manager's part if you ask me.

I decided that while I'm generally not a big "make a public scene" kind of person, I do enjoy pissing off the masses so I'd organize a "nurse-in" (play on words from sit-in) at the same MickeyD's. I picked a day and time, made a Facebook event and holy crap the internet is VERY functional. Hundreds of people responded and I had Channels 5, 10, 15 and KTAR all emailing me asking for interviews. I declined, since I don't really care to be in the spotlight for something that doesn't have anything to do with me and also the point was for it to be a group thing, not an event with a ringleader.

Saturday over 100 women showed up to nurse their kids in the McDonald's. Every news station was there, and the managers looked nervous walking around with their Blackberries. It was hugely successful though, and I'm still dumbfounded that I could create something that huge by simply posting something on Facebook. The internet is freaking crazy man.

I did get a lot of hate mail over the whole thing though. From complete strangers. Telling me I'm gross and to feed my kid in the bathroom and no one wants to see my tits. Actually, I can think of several people who wouldn't mind seeing my boobs and, for the record, if anyone told me to my face to feed my kid in the bathroom I'd probably squirt them in the eye and have an interesting string of words to burn into their mind.

Anyway, two guys in particular stood out. I checked out both their Facebook profiles and you will see why.

Guy Number Eins: Fat, white, pasty weirdo with a creepy upclose shot of his pointy eyebrows as his profile picture. Likes? Dungeons and dragons and Spongebob Squarepants. Need I say more?

Guy Number Zwei: Thick glasses older nerdy lookin' guy. Occupation? He owns and operates a radio station for cats. Yes, cats. His "about me" section? It said, "I like cats." Yeah, apparently you do. A lot. He told me he was going to show up to the McDonald's and make me learn my lesson for starting this protest.

So there you go. The majority of Arizona must be okay with nursing babies in McDonald's because it seems the opposers are at home on Facebook in the middle of the day sending hate mail to strangers while not getting laid and feeling bitter that they've probably never touched a real rack in their lives.

For once I was speechless towards D&D guy but to Teh Kitteh Guy I simply responded back, "So, are you planning on doing this before or after you have sex with your kitties?"

No response. Lame.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

These boobs were made for suckin'.

So all you hear all the time is that breastfeeding is natural, beautiful, healthy, cheap, etc etc. No one ever tells you that it's hard to learn, very painful at first for some, and that your nipples will look like a bag of smashed assholes for a few weeks. The kid is a damn barnacle and I swear I can hear my boobs calling out in the dark for mercy from the grinding of hard little gums.

Even with all that though, the idea of giving my kid a bottle doesn't appeal to me. Before he was born I didn't really have an opinion. I knew I was going to nurse him, mostly because it's free and better for him anyway. But I didn't really care if he nursed or got it from a bottle of pumped milk. Now, after several weeks of having him (which, by the way, I still feel in a haze and that the real parents of this kid will show up at any minute to pick him up) I feel his body conform to mine, watch his little hand hold tight to my shirt while his eyes stare into mine with a million questions and wonderings in them, and hear his sighs of content and I can't think of anything cooler in this whole world. Every time I take him to the pediatrician and he is weighed I am completely and totally awestruck that even on the outside, my body continues to put him together and give him the means to grow. Something that thousands of women have been doing for thousands of years still amazes me like it's the first time it's ever happened. Yeah he gets bottles a lot when my mom watches him or when Shaun wAdd Imageants to feed him. Sometimes I give him one when my bags of smashed assholes need a break. But I'll always put the plastic and fake nipples second. I had no clue until I experienced it. And now I know what people have been talkin' about.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

He's fired.

The Shrimp woke me up at the butt crack of dawn to eat. I was nursing him in bed half asleep when some explosions went off in his diaper and I suddenly felt my stomach and thighs get all warm. Figures. Shaun had put a disposable on him, which I HATE because he ALWAYS leaks out of them. He smiled a blissed out smile as I pulled him away from me and found myself covered in orange sticky crap. He was covered too. So were our sheets and comforter. I yell for Shaun to help and he brings wipes then proceeds to dry heave and thrash around on the floor half laughing and half gagging. I'm wiping the kid off when he pees all over his face and the bed. I pick him up to get him out of the mess, thinking he's empty and I'm safe. No. He pees, again, all over me, my lap and chest.

I decided we both needed a bath at that point, and he didn't object (in fact, he was just chillin' the whole time looking at me like he wasn't naked and we both weren't covered in poop and pee). I laid him back down to go start the bathwater and he proceeded to barf all over himself.

At that point there was not much I could do other than take a picture and submit it to So I did. And the owner emailed me back wanting to know if they could have my permission to use the picture in the book they are publishing in November. My kid will be famous for his trifecta of nasty.