It starts way too early.

What Ava does instead of getting in the tub like I ask her to. I'm washing Dean so my hands are too soapy to grab her and throw her in.

She's 4 and she can work my camera phone better than I can.





But oh sweet and utter chaos, I love love love these kiddos.

Well crap.

I thought I was going to get through the day without getting all weepy but I guess not.There was an old man inside Trader Joes asking for an application. Probably in his 70's. He was saying he had lost everything with the crappy economy, and was eager to work. He said he knew he was old and he hadn't worked in several years but he was strong. He tried to flex his muscles. The manager said he'd see what he could do, and then old man slowly walked out of the store back out to the bus stop.God I wish he was in a garage somewhere, happily tinkering away on some vintage car instead of working away his golden years so he can eat and take care of his wife. Screw all this.

How's this for ironic?

So my grandma died on the 12th. We all know that. One of her favorite bands was Supertramp. Her favorite song was The Logical Song. For her funeral, I made a DVD and wanted to use Goodbye Stranger by Supertramp for the song. I got shot down however, since the majority of the people at the funeral wouldn't get it. So I picked another song that worked just as well and was more tear-inducing and funeral appropriate.

Fast forward to today. For our last semester we're doing a practicum, which is basically a short externship, at a hospital of our choice to help get our foot in the door to get hired when we graduate. We picked three places, and would get one of those. Well, it didn't work out that way and hospitals weren't wanting students so after some people not even getting picked, it boiled down to most of us probably getting a position we didn't really want, but we'd have to suck it up and be grateful.

We got our assignments today, and somehow I managed to get my first choice anyway, so now I get to be in the NICU at Phoenix Children's Hospital! I'm excited, but a lot of people were bummed so I felt bad. My first reaction was to get out my cell phone and call my Grandma since she's been waiting to hear where I got assigned to. She was so excited about me being in college and follows every detail of it. Then I remembered she's not here anymore, so I got sad. Got in my car, and turned it on. The song on the radio? Goodbye Stranger. I got chills.

Then, after getting gas and doing other things, I turned my car on again. The Logical Song was playing.

Coincidence? Maybe. But it makes me feel better to think that for once in my life, I had someone keeping an eye out for me and she wasn't letting it go unnoticed. That makes me happy. And I haven't been happy in a long time.

and the world shattered.

I randomly woke up last night at 3:45 and was wide awake. Thought nothing of it, peed, and went back to sleep.

My phone rang at 7:16am, it was my grandpa saying my grandma had died in her sleep overnight.

She wasn't sick. I just talked to her last week. It was totally and completely unexpected.

I loved my Grandma so much. I feel so out of control and lost. I don't even know what to say except I need this screen to stare at because it keeps me from laying in my room and screaming.

People never cease to amaze me.

I keep seeing this commercial on TV. I know people suck, but does the narrow minded and bigoted hatred really need to be spread on TV? Really, children are watching. My 3 year old cousin watches Good Fellas but I refuse to let him see this bullshit.

I think I'll just leave this blank, thanks.

The party's over
A record skipping
It's the same song repeating
Grows more grating with each passing second...
And the walls contain a resonation, laughter, and conversation.
It was fun while it lasted, but now we should be going.
I hope everybody had a real good time
The hospitality's partaken, my head is flying my heart's racing to keep up.
And I hope I havent overdone it
I hope my body can take it.
It's only this fucked up I start realizing
all this living is just dying
and if these are my friends, if this is my home,
if this is how I spend my nights, how I communicate, and demonstrate a love of life.
My eyes roll into the back of my head, if these are the last words that I ever said
No I'm not ready to die just yet.

Little House on the...602

So I feel strangely connected to Laura Ingalls Wilder from Little House on the Prairie. That we should be living in a house made of logs instead of bricks, and I should be driving a covered wagon instead of a Honda and churning out babies left and right from under my many petticoats.

We moved in here without realizing we have no microwave and haven't gotten around to getting one (although instead of sitting on Blogger typing this I guess I could be driving my ass to Target to get one huh?). We also had no washer or dryer, so we bought some used ones of Craigslist. Bad move...the washer filled up with water and then died, proceeding to leak water all over the laundry room and kitchen an hour before people started getting to our house for the party. I found some tubing in the shed to siphon all the water out, so now our laundry room is an appliance graveyard.

Do you know how many times a day I throw some food on a plate and then realize I have no microwave to put it in? I've been reheating everything on the stove, and this morning made oatmeal in a pot. Then I proceeded to go out back and do all our laundry in a huge basin with soap and water and my hands. Seriously...doing that much laundry by hand and getting it clean took over an hour. Wringing all of it out was worse. Now we have clothes all over the yard strung on my makeshift clothesline.

I'd make such a badass pioneer wife. Only knowing me, I'd probably die of dysentery.