Thursday, February 2, 2012

Quick like Shake n' Bake.

There are so many updates I can't get to them all at this moment. I will, but not right now.

Right now it's midnight, and I was sleeping but woke up and needed to say this.

We bedshared/coslept with Liam until about 2 months ago, when he was 16 months. He was getting woken up too easily by one of us getting up to pee. Now he sleeps through the night. It's heaven. I have my body back to myself for awhile since he's not nursing at night anymore. It's obvious he's growing up, because he used to sleep a million times better next to me. Now he's more comfortable in his own space.

But sometimes I miss him. I wake up in the night and don't have that tiny body curled up in the dark next to me. So I sneak in his room and sit in the chair and watch him sleep. I need that moment because during the day it's easy to forget it. When he's screaming and climbing and throwing and hitting and just being a maniac toddler who is such a direct reflection of me it's's easy to forget the perfection.

Anyway, there is this weird feeling I get. And I don't know if it's just me or if every parent gets this. I got it the second I saw his face when he was born and now it startles me every once and awhile when he looks directly into my eyes and grins. Only just now I got it when he was sleeping and I was sitting in the dark thinking. It hit me randomly, like it always does.

I know him.

Like, other than the fact that he's my kid. Something about him is like deja vu. I remember I saw his face the second he slid out of my body and it hit me like a truck. It's like I'd met him before. It's that awkward moment when you run into someone in public and you know you know them from somewhere but you can't put a name to the face. That's what it was. I recognized him. From somewhere. I mean I know he looks like me, but that's not it. It's something. But I don't know what it is. And I think I notice it more and more now. When we lock eyes I just think in my head,

"Where did you come from? I KNOW you. I recognize you. You aren't new to me."

But I can't grasp it. It's something so fleeting that I lose it too fast to focus and figure it out.

Anyway, I need to go back to bed. But I couldn't sleep without writing this because I always get this weird semi-freaked out feeling afterwards, like I've seen a ghost. Now I'm losing my words because the whole thing is fading like it always does.

My son is my son. But he's something else too. Besides freaking awesome. I just wish I could lay my finger on it.

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