Thursday, March 13, 2014

On becoming 4.

So you'd think this would be easy. The whole adding another human thing. Considering I've done it once, you'd think I'd know what I was doing. That I paved the road the first time. Set myself a path; maybe tramping down the grass as I walked the journey the first time so I could follow it with a little less struggle the second time. Makes sense right?

But there's a catch. The catch is the whole stereotypical saying that no two journeys are the same. In this instance, it sucks because it's totally dead on. That trampled down path in the grass that I laid out the first time might as well be in the freaking African savanna because I sure as heck am now wading through a bug infested rainforest on a completely different continent.

Yet there are some similarities. I do know that a journey is a journey no matter where it occurs. I learned from the African savanna that I should be more flexible, that there is always going to be an animal out there that's going to attempt to eat you, and that you can never have too much sleep and chocolate. These things can all be applied to the rainforest, and maybe help me to casually swing amongst the trees instead of dragging through the bog.

So what do you do with two? How do you love them separately? I know I do. But I can't describe how. I have this recurring nightmare where a disaster occurs and I can't save both of them, I have to pick one. I wake up sweating and crying because what the heck? How would I do that? I couldn't. Could I choose both and just not be saved myself? Is that an option? Am I crazy for even asking a dream questions? Yes.

I'm observing, always observing. Watching siblings who are adults and very close. What did their parents do to make them that way? How can I do that? What makes some siblings become lifelong friends and others drift apart once they reach adulthood? I want that security, that anchor of home.

Becoming 4 was easy, yet blows my mind on a daily basis. Hello savanna. Hello rainforest. Goodbye map. I'll find my way around these parts because I have a feeling what I need to find is not within any clear cut boundaries.

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