And he came crashing in...

Liam's birth was THE most amazing thing I have ever done in my life. I've always kind of thought it was cliche when people said that giving birth to their kid was one of the most incredible and meaningful things they have ever done, but now I know it's totally true. Holy freaking shit it's so true. I sit here now with him sleeping on my lap and I can't stop looking at him. That body came out of MY body. I perfected that. In 9 freaking short months. And I deserve something so perfect? No way. But I got it anyway.

Here is the story of Liam Michael.

Wednesday, July 28th Shaun and I spent part of the day at my parents house after we had closed on the house that morning. My mom ordered Chinese for lunch, and after I ate it started saying that Chinese food induces labor. Thanks mom. Shaun and I left and went down the street to Cabelas for ammo/camping crap/whatever lame stuff he felt the need to look at. Got some pizza and went home. About 2 hours later I was sitting here on the couch on the computer when I felt this weird cracking/sharp pain in my lower abdomen. I sat for second wondering what the hell that was but then went back to reading what I was doing since it was gone. Then there was a small gush and a, “oh shit, my water broke!”.

I was IMing Tiffany and just said, “my water broke, talk to you later” and signed off, haha. Shaun was there in the room playing Battlefield and had to kill some guy really quick before jumping off. We both have problems. lol.

So then we’re just standing there in the middle of the room looking at each other going, “now what???”. A mixture of shock, disbelief that it was actually happening, laughing that after all that, he WAS going to be born on my birthday (it was 9:15pm when my water broke, so I had to assume he’d come after midnight...) and sheer excitement.

I decided right about then that I had a million things to do and I was not about to give birth without having them done. I guess my nesting comes a bit late. So Shaun duct taped a towel to me diaper-style so I looked like Baby Huey and I cleaned the guinea pig cage, cleaned my closet and boxed up everything, wiped down the bathroom, and finished packing my bag. Then I called my mom and texted a bunch of people that I was in labor and would keep them updated. I was a huge failure after that because there were several people that wanted to come to the birth and uh, for some stupid reason I thought I would be able to text from the car when on the way to the hospital. Yeah right. I don’t even think I knew what planet I was on at that point.

The contractions started as I was packing my bag and got intense pretty fast. We attempted to time them but they were so close together one just ran into the other. I know that should be a sign that I should have headed to the hospital, but when I checked myself I was only about a 3 and they honestly weren’t jaw dropping. I had to focus and detach a bit but no biggie. Shaun eventually threw the damn Labor Coach book in the trash and we just winged it.

By 11pm things were still intense. I had this overwhelming urge to be outside and not wear shoes. So I’m pacing the driveway in circles like a stray cat with my Baby Huey diaper while Shaun is calling his parents, his teacher to tell him he wouldn’t be in class tomorrow, and our midwife, Lisa. She didn’t answer her phone, we were assuming she was sleeping like a normal person not in labor would be. I went inside and took a shower and as I was getting out I had another huge gush. This time there was a bit of meconium in it. I’ve seen meconium water, and this did not look like it, but it was definitely something. I wanted to stay home as long as I could but after a few more gushes with that green stuff, I decided we should go. Shaun took a shower, and by the time he got out I was pacing the living room and I don’t remember much after that. Apparently he chased me back and forth in the living room with pants, begging me to put them on and I kept running away from him. He finally managed to get me in the car and we went to the hospital.

We were in triage for about 2 hours, and they finally moved us to a room at about 1:30am. Shaun called my parents to tell them to come, and let his parents know we were at the hospital. I had some nurse I did NOT like at all. Not sure why, she was just very impersonal and kept messing with me when I was having a contraction. She’d get all pissy when I wouldn’t answer her question and would keep asking it over and over. I’d finally bark the answer at her when the contraction subsided. Lisa was not the one on call and hadn’t called Shaun back. Tiffany, another midwife that I hadn’t met, was the one on call and they said she was 40 minutes away. Ok, no problem. The contractions were unbelievable...they had been about 30 seconds to one minute apart the WHOLE time so I was getting tired of not having a break. I didn’t want to know how dilated I was at that point, but found out later I was at a 5. The nurse came in two times in the next 3 hours, other than that I was on my own except for Shaun and my parents, who had arrived. I wanted to get in the tub, but the nurse said not until the midwife got there because I’d “go too fast”. Shaun said, “well where the fuck is the midwife? It’s been 3 hours!” and the nurse goes, “like I said, she’s 40 minutes away.” NO ONE HAD CALLED THE MIDWIFE! I was too deep into myself to freak out but I guess Shaun and my parents both freaked out on her and she went to call.

About 30 minutes later the nurse came in and told me I could get in the tub. Holy sweet relief it was awesome. I closed my eyes and when I opened them, Lisa was there. I swear it was like Jesus himself had walked through the door.

Things got tough in the tub but Lisa kept me focused and breathing. I started to panic and try to climb the walls because I was overheating and felt like passing out on top of the pain, and Lisa told me it was time to get out and have a baby. I said hell no. lol. Her and Shaun had to coax me out of that tub and I still pitched a fit. They got me in the bed and there was no way I was going to be able to deliver on my hands and knees like I originally thought I'd try to do. I was way too tired. So on my back I went and proceeded to scream for another 10 minutes while waiting for a damn cervix lip to get the hell out of the way. Finally I couldn’t stop myself from pushing, so that’s what I did. I don’t remember a lot about it, but I remember having a hard time pushing through the pain. I was having a hard time getting his head under that pelvic bone, so he did a lot of peekaboo with the top of his head. I finally decided I’d had enough. I remember everyone going “Look! His head is staying, he’s so close!” and I said “No, I’m holding him there....aww shit I lost him” as my muscles gave out and he sucked back in again. I remember Lisa laughing. Finally I managed to get him through and he started crowning. Pushing felt so good...I guess because of the pressure relief. But I was turning gray and my eyes were swelling shut from pushing so hard and I remember drifting away and thinking I was dying. A beam of sunshine was coming in from the window and landing directly on me. I found out later everyone started crying because he was born into a ray of sunshine, but there I was thinking I was seeing the white light of death, lol.

A few minutes later, after an hour and a half of pushing, Liam was born into Shaun’s hands. That sweet relief of him leaving my body was incredible. I don’t even know how to describe it. I started crying and saying, “I did it! I told you I could!” over and over. Shaun put him on my chest and unfortunately my eyes were so swollen I couldn’t see much but Liam grabbed my boob and that’s all it took. He was mine.

He hung out for a bit till the cord was done pulsing, then Shaun cut it and they took him to be weighed. I remember all of a sudden looking around and the room was full of people and I had no idea where they had come from or how they got there. Apparently I was saying hi to them while pushing, and Shaun’s mom was holding my leg (not really what I had wanted but apparently I didn’t care, lol). Lisa later told me I was the most polite laboring woman she had ever met. I guess I was weakly joking with people the whole time, asking to please have some water and thank you for getting it for me, and when I was pushing I was telling my dad to get a drink and sit down because he was looking too pale and that there was a granola bar in my bag he could have. Who knew? I thought I’d be a total bitch but apparently I get all nice when I’m feeling like dying. Everyone was crying after Liam came out and Shaun completely lost it. I’ve never seen him cry, and I will never forget that moment and him running and flinging himself on me and just sobbing.

The second day he still had no name. Finally Shaun and I were laying on the hospital bed staring at him and Shaun said, “He does not look like a Declan at all. It’s crazy. He’s totally a Liam.” After 7 months of obsessing over the name Declan, that’s all it took. So the Shrimp was named.

And that’s the story of Liam.

Monday mayhem?

I was feeding the g-pig when I saw this black 4Runner come speeding up our street and park in front of our house. The guy came running up our lawn yelling "Hey! Hello???"
Kevin was in the front room on my computer () with the front door open and the screen door shut. I thought the guy was one of Kevin's friends. Nope. I heard the following conversation commence:

Kevin: Uh, yeah?
Guy: Hey man, someone down the street just cancelled their order and now I've got a truck full of fish. I'll cut you a good deal, you want some?
Kevin: Uh, no thanks, I'm good.
Guy: I've got some really good stuff...tilapia, swordfish, you name it.
Kevin: No thanks.
Guy: Oh come on...I'll cut you a good dealKevin: I just made a Costco run. Our freezers are full. So no thanks.

Guy slams our screen door and jumps in his car and speeds off.

So random.

Then about 2 hours later I was sitting at the kitchen table talking to the insurance guy. Shaun was playing video games in the front room and Kevin was outside in his dorky headphones raking our front yard. I see this random bleeding guy come running up through our yard and sit in the chair in front of the front window. Kevin is just like what the hell and I hear through the screen door the guy saying his roommate hit him in the head with a rock and he just needs to sit down. Then he asks Kevin for a ride to the hospital. Kevin is just standing there all confused like usual.

Shaun goes outside and tells the guy he needs to keep moving on. Guy is gushing all over our patio and says he doesn't want to be running down the street because his roommate called the cops and he has a warrant for his arrest. Then he asks if he can hide in our garage. Shaun tells him again to leave and the guy just keeps sitting there bleeding. Finally Shaun told him he was gonna bust the other side of his head open if he didn't get off our front porch. Guy took off running and ran into the park at the end of the street.

The insurance adjuster asked me if everything was ok since I think I sounded distracted. I just said, "Nah I'm good...it's just been a really weird morning."

The Shrimp is doing good, growing and smashing my internal organs with his toes while cracking my ribs with his skull. You know, fetal obligations and all. Midwife said he's about 2lbs now and 15 inches long. And breech. Little bastard. She said to shine a flashlight on my lower stomach and he'll move towards it because babies are drawn to light (wtf, is he a moth?) so I tried it and low and behold, he moved! But as soon as I turned it off he flipped back to his comfy spleen pillow in my ribcage. We have a 3D ultrasound scheduled for the 15th,

so he better freaking cooperate.

Slow.the.eff.down.

I somehow had this crazy delusion that as soon as I graduated I'd be working 3 days a week and have all this time on my hands to, you know, not be in freak out panic mode like I have been the last 4 or so years.

Yeah...no?

Right now I have shots, jobs, resumes, babies, anniversaries, weddings, money, puppies, friendships, and student loans swimming through my head.

But they're all good things. Minus the job search and student loan parts.

But there's gotta be some bad thrown in with the good right? That makes the good stuff seem even better?

It sounds cliche but if I had to use someone else's words to describe my life right now, I'd use this.

"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others

even to the dull and the ignorant; for they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, for they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain or bitter

for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble, it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is.

many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings,

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars

and you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

With all it's sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful, and strive to be happy."

So that works. And sums it up adequately.

No I will not buy you a fish.

For unknown reasons, Dean likes to ride in my car. Maybe because it's blue. Or because his car seat is cowprint. Who knows.

I'm a good driver, I swear. So it's not for the roller coaster effect or anything.

He wanted to go somewhere, so for lack of anything great to do, we went to Petsmart to look at the fish and frogs.

Guess it was the time of day, but for some reason the shopping center was filled with kids. Like, the annoying kind. Somewhere between 7th grade and freshman year....the awkwardness, the braces, the complete disregard for others around you.

There was a huge group of them in Petsmart, posing for a camera phone picture in front of the homeless cats. And screaming. And running around the store. Cats: "If we could claw your obnoxious eyeballs out, we would."

Dean and I were excitedly squealing over the fish (okay, Dean was, I was mentally calculating how long I'd have to hold one of those kids' heads underwater to drown them) when a girl in way too tight pants, hooker blue eyeshadow, and neon pink braces walks up.

"Hey, like, if I give you some money will you, like, buy me a fish?"

"Uh, why don't you buy your own fish?"

"Because I'm not 18."

"Then you need to come back with your parents and have them buy you a fish. I'm not lying and giving you a living creature for your entertainment purposes."

She proceeds to have a hissyfit. What are you, 12? Oh, yeah, you are.

Seriously! Go home! What the hell are you doing hanging out in Petsmart and Target after school on a Tuesday? Shouldn't you be at someone's house whose parents are at work, experimenting with weed and sex like everyone my age did? If you're not gonna do those things, then kudos to you. Go do your homework or volunteer somewhere. Or, better yet, get a job! So you can buy a fish when you turn 18!

When I have kids I wonder if I'll be looked down on for paying someone else to have them between the ages of 12 and 19. 

On that note, I do kind of find it humorous that while I've been asked many times to buy kids alcohol, I've never been asked to buy one a fish. When I was in high school, it was all about late night beer runs from Circle K. Now it's middle of the afternoon fish runs from Petsmart.

Lucky Thursdays.

An interesting turn of events occurred in Tempe tonight and we all ended up at a palm reader. Those places give me a weird feeling because first, I'm not sure if I believe in them in general and second, the idea that someone is able to "read" what really goes on inside my head/life is creepy and weird and invasive. But I tend to like creepy and weird things.

So. I got my palms read. And I had to made sure I only looked at my palms because the lady had this massive HAIRY HAIRY HAIRY wart on her chin that was drawing me in. Like, I couldn't tear my eyes away from it. It was like a small furry animal was comfortably nestled in the folds of her chin.

Tangent. A hairy one. Anyway.

So I couldn't look at her. She told me a lot of stuff and I'm still not sure if it sounded right because it's generic or if it was eerily true. And apparently I'm not supposed to share it with others. But I will say that she told me that most of the good things in my life happen on Thursdays.

Watch out Thursday, I have high hopes for you. Don't let me down!

Afterwards we went to Oreganos and I ended up with a slice of cheese pizza from the kids menu because the pizza our table ordered was a vegetable pizza and I have a love/hate relationship with veggies. Okay, no love at all actually.

At least now I know I won't get bombarded with vegetables on Thursdays.

Lonely nametags.

Old men in a singles group with their nametags stuck in an earnest and hopeful manner across their shirt pockets sitting all alone at a table with crestfallen expressions break my heart.

The world is crashing.

People are mad. Fighting. Killing eachother. Starving. Stabbing. Crying. Hugging.

A few minutes ago some guy was outside in the street staring up at the sky and screaming an unintelligible babble of cuss words. He is crazy, dirty, homeless, and probably on drugs.

The sad thing? I identified with him completely at that moment.

Sometimes I'm tired of helping people. Tired of offering comforting words or giving or smiling. Tired of doing what I'm told and being a decent citizen and not stealing or killing or standing out too much.

Sometimes I want to drop everything I'm doing, tell it to go screw itself, and go outside and cuss out the sky.